It's that time of the year again. Resolution review. As I get ready to set new goals and make new resolutions for the upcoming year, it's important for me to examine how I fared on last year's aspirations. Like many other people, I almost always fail miserably on at least one goal or resolution I set for myself. For instance, this year I was supposed to re-learn playing guitar. With just 8 days left in the year, the guitar remains standing untouched in the corner. I suppose that goal will be added to this year's list again.
This year's list. Yes, it's an actual written list, as it has been for the past 25 years. It's proven that writing down your goals is vitally important to actually achieving them. So, whatever it is you're contemplating to accomplish next year, write 'em down! Periodic review throughout the year is recommended to ensure steady progress, measure results, and adjust objectives if necessary.
I try to keep my list as simple and specific as possible. I actually strive for a few specific personality improvements and then a handful of personally meaningful, challenging but achievable goals I wish to reach. If I succeed at one of them, I can cross it off and add something new. If I fail, like with the guitar, I can carry it forward or decide it's no longer a priority and take it off the list. In other words, keep your list manageable. If you put everything on your list all at once, you'll undoubtedly feel overwhelmed and struggle harder to achieve anything - often leading to complete surrender. How many people do you know who fail in their resolutions year after year? Find success - write 'em down, be reasonable and specific in your expectations, and include easily achievable goals to help build confidence for the more challenging goals.
To enjoy success and stay actively focused on your goals involves one essential element. Discipline. That's my first and most important Cornerstone. Stay tuned - I'll begin discussing each cornerstone in more depth as the week progresses. For now, start thinking about your list of objectives and write 'em down!
Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Never* Say No to Yourself
Never* say no to yourself. This has become another personal axiom, adopted from a good friend of mine who taught it to me. On the surface, it may seem selfish or arrogant, so let me explain exactly what it means, and just as importantly, what it doesn't. (See author's cautionary footnote.)
Have you ever desired something that required action by someone else but then assumed they would say no, so you didn't even ask? (ie: you'd like a raise, need a ride, or some other minor favor.) Instead by not asking, you essentially said no to yourself - probably out of fear of rejection or embarrassment, or a lack of confidence. If you think about it though, getting a 'no' leaves you no worse off than if you hadn't asked. The potential benefits of being surprised by a 'yes,' however, are enormous. I adopted the "Never Say No to Yourself" philosophy 100% after my friend convinced me to ask for something I was 100% convinced would be denied. Not only was I wrong, but they were delighted to accommodate my request. I was pleasantly stunned - and became an enthusiastic practitioner ever since. Of course, the answer sometimes comes back 'no' too. Don't sweat it. You're no worse off for having asked.
One last point - this axiom is not intended to be taken in a context of "do whatever you want" or "deny yourself nothing." There are numerous instances when saying no to yourself is absolutely required and appropriate. (You know exactly what I mean!)
I urge you to conquer your fear. There are plenty of people who will say no to you. Don't say it to yourself. Simply ask. See what happens. You might, like me, be pleasantly surprised at the results!
* Author's Note: Never does not mean Never. Apply axiom responsibly and as intended or suffer irreparable consequences of your own making.
Have you ever desired something that required action by someone else but then assumed they would say no, so you didn't even ask? (ie: you'd like a raise, need a ride, or some other minor favor.) Instead by not asking, you essentially said no to yourself - probably out of fear of rejection or embarrassment, or a lack of confidence. If you think about it though, getting a 'no' leaves you no worse off than if you hadn't asked. The potential benefits of being surprised by a 'yes,' however, are enormous. I adopted the "Never Say No to Yourself" philosophy 100% after my friend convinced me to ask for something I was 100% convinced would be denied. Not only was I wrong, but they were delighted to accommodate my request. I was pleasantly stunned - and became an enthusiastic practitioner ever since. Of course, the answer sometimes comes back 'no' too. Don't sweat it. You're no worse off for having asked.
One last point - this axiom is not intended to be taken in a context of "do whatever you want" or "deny yourself nothing." There are numerous instances when saying no to yourself is absolutely required and appropriate. (You know exactly what I mean!)
I urge you to conquer your fear. There are plenty of people who will say no to you. Don't say it to yourself. Simply ask. See what happens. You might, like me, be pleasantly surprised at the results!
* Author's Note: Never does not mean Never. Apply axiom responsibly and as intended or suffer irreparable consequences of your own making.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Unqualified Sharing
Someone asked me recently, "what qualifies you to give life advice?" Good question. I'm not qualified. I'm unqualified. I'm also not giving advice. I'm sharing my experiences and the lessons they've taught me. You decide if there's something of value to apply to your own life.
The Reason 87 is really a vehicle for my own personal growth - sort of like a journal - that I've chosen to share. I share my creative writing on The Twilight Blue. I share thoughts on other topics on
3 More Monkeys. Writing helps me think better, helps me work out my troubles, and helps remind me of the lessons I've learned along the way.
The Reason 87 isn't intended as "advice." Think of it more as an invitation into my head. If something resonates with you, benefit from it. If it doesn't resonate, ignore it. It's entirely your choice. So, no advice - just unqualified sharing.
The Reason 87 is really a vehicle for my own personal growth - sort of like a journal - that I've chosen to share. I share my creative writing on The Twilight Blue. I share thoughts on other topics on
3 More Monkeys. Writing helps me think better, helps me work out my troubles, and helps remind me of the lessons I've learned along the way.
The Reason 87 isn't intended as "advice." Think of it more as an invitation into my head. If something resonates with you, benefit from it. If it doesn't resonate, ignore it. It's entirely your choice. So, no advice - just unqualified sharing.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Second Chances
Second chances. Have you gotten one lately? We all secretly wish for them, don't we? And occasionally, they do arrive. But have you been busy preparing for your second chance in the interim? If not, you'll likely repeat your mistakes rather than overcome them. Be vigilant in your preparation because as you'll see from my experience, the years might pile up in between first.
Second chances in life can be few and far between. When you get one, it's a unique opportunity for a new choice or behavior - different than the first chance where the choices made turned out to be missteps. Meaningful second chance opportunities don't come around often. By meaningful, I mean those few important times in your life that you'd like to have back again - to act differently - to choose differently. Most often, we take the lessons learned from those original instances and apply them in other similar instances going forward but rarely, if ever, do we get a second chance at the exact instance. Lately, my own life has experienced a series of meaningful second chances that completely took me by surprise.
As I've mentioned before, I don't live in the past. I live quite contentedly in the present, totally at peace with my past missteps. Some of those missteps were pivotal in my personal development despite the pain caused or endured. Like many other people, I've bungled a few critical moments in life. Some lessons I've learned, others I'm still learning, and undoubtedly, there are some I'm probably destined to never learn. Such is life. We do the best we can. The key is to remain a willing pupil throughout.
Strangely, the second chances I was presented with were several decades old. I accepted and resolved my particular missteps in those situations a long time ago. I had no desire for an exact second chance on either front. Getting an exact second chance is a scary test of if you've really learned anything. If you fail it, it's a case of 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Not fun. In my own case, two second chances arrived nearly simultaneously, and my initial reaction was to avoid taking either test. I quickly realized, however, that's a case of 1 step forward, 1 step back. Stuck, not going anywhere. I equated that with failure because actually taking the test offered a chance to progress. My advice is to embrace the second chance for better or worse.
The first of my second chances was my 30 year high school reunion, that I initially sought to avoid. I'm glad I didn't - 2 steps forward. The other second chance, an exact carbon copy, was professional and dealt with matters over a decade old. I'm confidently determined to make different choices because I faced my original failure and resolved it long ago, never expecting or desiring the second chance thrust upon me. But I'm increasingly thankful about getting it nonetheless. I suppose I'm about to find out if I've really learned anything.
My point today is that you never know when or in what form that second chance opportunity might occur in your life. The two personal instances I shared stacked several decades in between first. Probably a fortunate thing for me, because I'm fairly sure I'd fail the test if they had come sooner in my life. I didn't realize it explicitly until afterwards, but I've been preparing for those second chance tests for several years, applying and re-learning the lessons of ill-fated choices and behaviors through the 7 Cornerstone principles of Discipline, Faith, Determination, Perseverance, Sacrifice, Patience, and Loyalty. There is no secret formula for living - only useful guides for the grueling process of improving - so you can be better prepared for your second chances.
Second chances in life can be few and far between. When you get one, it's a unique opportunity for a new choice or behavior - different than the first chance where the choices made turned out to be missteps. Meaningful second chance opportunities don't come around often. By meaningful, I mean those few important times in your life that you'd like to have back again - to act differently - to choose differently. Most often, we take the lessons learned from those original instances and apply them in other similar instances going forward but rarely, if ever, do we get a second chance at the exact instance. Lately, my own life has experienced a series of meaningful second chances that completely took me by surprise.
As I've mentioned before, I don't live in the past. I live quite contentedly in the present, totally at peace with my past missteps. Some of those missteps were pivotal in my personal development despite the pain caused or endured. Like many other people, I've bungled a few critical moments in life. Some lessons I've learned, others I'm still learning, and undoubtedly, there are some I'm probably destined to never learn. Such is life. We do the best we can. The key is to remain a willing pupil throughout.
Strangely, the second chances I was presented with were several decades old. I accepted and resolved my particular missteps in those situations a long time ago. I had no desire for an exact second chance on either front. Getting an exact second chance is a scary test of if you've really learned anything. If you fail it, it's a case of 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Not fun. In my own case, two second chances arrived nearly simultaneously, and my initial reaction was to avoid taking either test. I quickly realized, however, that's a case of 1 step forward, 1 step back. Stuck, not going anywhere. I equated that with failure because actually taking the test offered a chance to progress. My advice is to embrace the second chance for better or worse.
The first of my second chances was my 30 year high school reunion, that I initially sought to avoid. I'm glad I didn't - 2 steps forward. The other second chance, an exact carbon copy, was professional and dealt with matters over a decade old. I'm confidently determined to make different choices because I faced my original failure and resolved it long ago, never expecting or desiring the second chance thrust upon me. But I'm increasingly thankful about getting it nonetheless. I suppose I'm about to find out if I've really learned anything.
My point today is that you never know when or in what form that second chance opportunity might occur in your life. The two personal instances I shared stacked several decades in between first. Probably a fortunate thing for me, because I'm fairly sure I'd fail the test if they had come sooner in my life. I didn't realize it explicitly until afterwards, but I've been preparing for those second chance tests for several years, applying and re-learning the lessons of ill-fated choices and behaviors through the 7 Cornerstone principles of Discipline, Faith, Determination, Perseverance, Sacrifice, Patience, and Loyalty. There is no secret formula for living - only useful guides for the grueling process of improving - so you can be better prepared for your second chances.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Past, Present, Future
I revisited my past this weekend when I attended my 30 year high school reunion. If you read my last post, you know I was apprehensive about doing so, but it was something I felt compelled to do despite my misgivings. The compulsion I felt was similar to when I ran for political office. It was just something I needed to do for reasons I couldn't entirely explain even to myself.
I don't believe in examining the past unless it's simply to remind myself of a lesson already learned. I'm not interested in dwelling on consequences of mistaken choices or actions that can't be undone. It's pointless. I find it's better to take the emotion out of the equation, learn the lesson, and then try to apply it going forward. I try not to think about the future too much either. If you let your thoughts get too far ahead of yourself, you'll develop an unhealthy habit of worry.
The solution is to live in the present. Easier said than done, but very rewarding if you can pull it off with any consistency. I entered the reunion hall unsure of what to expect but was determined to embrace the experience for better or worse. No matter what, I wasn't going back to the past or who I was in high school. I was going to be fully engaged in the present and be who I had become. I gave zero thought to the future and what I might feel like if it went poorly. In I went, still not knowing why I needed to be there.
When it was all over, I still wasn't entirely sure what I had accomplished but I knew I had had fun and enjoyed myself from beginning to end. I never once went back to high school that night. Whatever irrational remnant of high school memory that had subconsciously haunted me, had been erased. I resolved something I still can't even identify. Interestingly, one of my old friends remarked to me "you are always exactly where you're supposed to be" while we discussed our own personal ups and downs. Though I had heard the phrase many times before, it took on greater clarity in that moment because I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I was in the present - enjoying every minute of it. In a million years, I would never have imagined a moment like that would ever occur at a high school reunion.
I don't believe in examining the past unless it's simply to remind myself of a lesson already learned. I'm not interested in dwelling on consequences of mistaken choices or actions that can't be undone. It's pointless. I find it's better to take the emotion out of the equation, learn the lesson, and then try to apply it going forward. I try not to think about the future too much either. If you let your thoughts get too far ahead of yourself, you'll develop an unhealthy habit of worry.
The solution is to live in the present. Easier said than done, but very rewarding if you can pull it off with any consistency. I entered the reunion hall unsure of what to expect but was determined to embrace the experience for better or worse. No matter what, I wasn't going back to the past or who I was in high school. I was going to be fully engaged in the present and be who I had become. I gave zero thought to the future and what I might feel like if it went poorly. In I went, still not knowing why I needed to be there.
When it was all over, I still wasn't entirely sure what I had accomplished but I knew I had had fun and enjoyed myself from beginning to end. I never once went back to high school that night. Whatever irrational remnant of high school memory that had subconsciously haunted me, had been erased. I resolved something I still can't even identify. Interestingly, one of my old friends remarked to me "you are always exactly where you're supposed to be" while we discussed our own personal ups and downs. Though I had heard the phrase many times before, it took on greater clarity in that moment because I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I was in the present - enjoying every minute of it. In a million years, I would never have imagined a moment like that would ever occur at a high school reunion.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
30 Years On: Reunion & Relationships
I have done the unimaginable. I purchased a ticket to my 30 year high school reunion. The only plausible explanation for that is I'm now a pod, as in the movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
What gives? I managed to avoid all the previous gatherings without so much as a second thought. I don't particularly have fond memories of high school or any affinity for the vast majority of my classmates. When graduation arrived, I never once looked back, choosing to keep in touch with only 1 true friend. And yet, I've made a non-refundable hotel reservation.
As a result, I've been examining my motivation to attend in light of my past tendency to avoid. I think it has something to do with relationships, an area in which I've always struggled. Relationships are critical to the quality of a life. Strong, healthy ones enrich your own experience. They broaden your perspectives, magnify your achievements, and soften your disappointments. They are symbiotic, providing as much as taking. They are our tether to this world and that which makes life worthwhile.
During high school, I was shy and introverted. I had difficulty being outgoing enough to forge strong relationships. I wasn't unhappy - just afraid, I think. Plus, building relationships simply wasn't important to me. The foundation for all of that certainly was rooted in irrational fear - of rejection, of awkwardness, of ridicule. I wasn't taking enough chances and that pattern didn't change much over subsequent years until relatively recently when I had an epiphany. Relationships matter.
That was a tough revelation for me. Once it clicked, I realized how few meaningful relationships I had formed. It became important to me to rectify that. Oddly enough, I've been with my wife, Ann for nearly 28 years so I had an excellent relationship building model to refer to.
I made a conscious decision to find ways to push beyond the comfort zone I had created. I accidently became a community activist (read that long tale on The Rotterdam Windmill), ran for political office, and became a Realtor in my spare time. All of these activities forced me to actively engage people. It was scary but through it all, I solidified one of my personal mantras. "I'm not worried by what others think of me." Essentially, I learned to like myself. Sounds corny, I know, but I know who I am now and I'm comfortable with it. Of course, I managed to form some valuable, lasting relationships along the way.
Today, I still have fewer strong bonds than I'd prefer but I'm constantly reminding myself to take the risks necessary to build new relationships (or renew forgotten ones) and strengthen the already existing ones. I try to embrace the sometimes uncomfortable opportunities to do that now rather than run from them...which is why I think I have a ticket and hotel reservation.
What gives? I managed to avoid all the previous gatherings without so much as a second thought. I don't particularly have fond memories of high school or any affinity for the vast majority of my classmates. When graduation arrived, I never once looked back, choosing to keep in touch with only 1 true friend. And yet, I've made a non-refundable hotel reservation.
As a result, I've been examining my motivation to attend in light of my past tendency to avoid. I think it has something to do with relationships, an area in which I've always struggled. Relationships are critical to the quality of a life. Strong, healthy ones enrich your own experience. They broaden your perspectives, magnify your achievements, and soften your disappointments. They are symbiotic, providing as much as taking. They are our tether to this world and that which makes life worthwhile.
During high school, I was shy and introverted. I had difficulty being outgoing enough to forge strong relationships. I wasn't unhappy - just afraid, I think. Plus, building relationships simply wasn't important to me. The foundation for all of that certainly was rooted in irrational fear - of rejection, of awkwardness, of ridicule. I wasn't taking enough chances and that pattern didn't change much over subsequent years until relatively recently when I had an epiphany. Relationships matter.
That was a tough revelation for me. Once it clicked, I realized how few meaningful relationships I had formed. It became important to me to rectify that. Oddly enough, I've been with my wife, Ann for nearly 28 years so I had an excellent relationship building model to refer to.
I made a conscious decision to find ways to push beyond the comfort zone I had created. I accidently became a community activist (read that long tale on The Rotterdam Windmill), ran for political office, and became a Realtor in my spare time. All of these activities forced me to actively engage people. It was scary but through it all, I solidified one of my personal mantras. "I'm not worried by what others think of me." Essentially, I learned to like myself. Sounds corny, I know, but I know who I am now and I'm comfortable with it. Of course, I managed to form some valuable, lasting relationships along the way.
Today, I still have fewer strong bonds than I'd prefer but I'm constantly reminding myself to take the risks necessary to build new relationships (or renew forgotten ones) and strengthen the already existing ones. I try to embrace the sometimes uncomfortable opportunities to do that now rather than run from them...which is why I think I have a ticket and hotel reservation.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Death As Part of Life
There’s no getting around it. You live. Eventually, you die. Dwelling on the reality of your own eventual death is not something I recommend, but putting that reality into perspective is essential to living your life more fully. Many people understandably seek to avoid thinking about their own mortality. The prospect of death upsets people. I get that. But I am of the mind that acknowledging and confronting your own mortality, and death in general, is healthy.
Our time here is finite. If you can conquer your fear of death, the time you have, no matter how long or short, becomes that much more meaningful and precious. Achieving happiness today becomes easier. What’s truly important takes on greater clarity. Too often, I think, we don’t realize these truths until death robs us of the opportunity altogether or we are in our waning years. I won’t pretend to tell you how to put death in perspective. I understand it’s different for each of us. For me, Faith (one of my cornerstones) is a critical tool, but not the only one. Death is scary. Death can be cruel. Death is a part of life.
I think death is harder to deal with when it’s not your own. The impact from a loved one’s death can be traumatic and devastating. I know the sorrow of losing both my parents. I know the sorrow of losing friends. Every death leaves its own unique hole in your life. These holes can’t be filled in. They’re permanent. But I have found that if you look deep enough into the sadness, you can find joy too. It’s a paradox I can’t explain but if you’ve known death in your life, you may know what I’m talking about. The death of others around us may be the hardest part of life, and the underlying cause of the desire to avoid thinking about our own mortality. Personally, I forced myself early to deal with death head-on to ensure the grief didn’t consume me. It was among the best actions I’ve ever taken.
The late Steve Jobs, before he got sick, had this to say about death,
That’s insightful, I think. It’s an attitude worth assimilating into our lives, if possible. Live life. Live it fully.
I apologize if this post seems unfocused or rambling but I’m prompted to explore this topic today as much to remind myself of the fragility of life, and to motivate myself and you to appreciate every moment of it completely, as to search for that joy hidden somewhere in the sadness. Tragically, the unique and painful hole of losing a child was imposed on the life of a friend of mine yesterday. As a consequence, my paradigm of coping with death is being tested fiercely.
Our time here is finite. If you can conquer your fear of death, the time you have, no matter how long or short, becomes that much more meaningful and precious. Achieving happiness today becomes easier. What’s truly important takes on greater clarity. Too often, I think, we don’t realize these truths until death robs us of the opportunity altogether or we are in our waning years. I won’t pretend to tell you how to put death in perspective. I understand it’s different for each of us. For me, Faith (one of my cornerstones) is a critical tool, but not the only one. Death is scary. Death can be cruel. Death is a part of life.
I think death is harder to deal with when it’s not your own. The impact from a loved one’s death can be traumatic and devastating. I know the sorrow of losing both my parents. I know the sorrow of losing friends. Every death leaves its own unique hole in your life. These holes can’t be filled in. They’re permanent. But I have found that if you look deep enough into the sadness, you can find joy too. It’s a paradox I can’t explain but if you’ve known death in your life, you may know what I’m talking about. The death of others around us may be the hardest part of life, and the underlying cause of the desire to avoid thinking about our own mortality. Personally, I forced myself early to deal with death head-on to ensure the grief didn’t consume me. It was among the best actions I’ve ever taken.
The late Steve Jobs, before he got sick, had this to say about death,
"Death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life’s change agent. The benefit of death is you know not to waste life living someone else’s choices."
That’s insightful, I think. It’s an attitude worth assimilating into our lives, if possible. Live life. Live it fully.
I apologize if this post seems unfocused or rambling but I’m prompted to explore this topic today as much to remind myself of the fragility of life, and to motivate myself and you to appreciate every moment of it completely, as to search for that joy hidden somewhere in the sadness. Tragically, the unique and painful hole of losing a child was imposed on the life of a friend of mine yesterday. As a consequence, my paradigm of coping with death is being tested fiercely.
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