The Grinder, Part III: Quicksand

This post could easily have been titled, "You Are Obsolete" in honor of a classic Twilight Zone episode because for a while I felt like Burgess Meredith's character. There was never supposed to be a Grinder, Part III. It was a total shocker to find myself where I am. Inevitably, there will now have to be a Grinder, Part IV: Resurrection because as I've written before, I'm not going all the way to the bottom of the barrel before I get a grip. I've inadvertently created my own Rocky franchise, I think.

So what happened? After nearly 30 years as a productive contributor, the firm I worked for unexpectedly let me go. Surprise! The details and circumstances surrounding my departure are far less important than the lessons I've been forced to learn as a result. I'd never been unemployed before so it was completely new terrain. Though it was basically an amicable divorce, and I handled it calmly, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely terrified. I'm convinced it'll be the best thing to happen to me, but over one year later I'm still navigating the harsh landscape.

Meanwhile, all the Cornerstones are being tested simultaneously. It's scary. Real scary. The first one to crumble was Loyalty. I was let go matter-of-factly, a course of doing business. That's fine. I get it. But my loyalty was completely ignored. Did you ever see the movie Up In the Air with George Clooney? I never imagined my departure taking place like that. My sacrifice and contribution was repaid with cavalier disregard. It hurt, like it should. One year later, Sacrifice and Patience are less conscious choices and more imposed sentences. Perseverance & Determination remain intact but are battered daily. My Faith has been tested. But Discipline still sustains me. It is the bedrock. The lessons of Humility are gut-wrenching, but always worth the struggle.

Unexpectedly, calm has prevailed. I'm still wondering how that is. I think it's because the whole experience has taught me Clarity. I lost my job. Big deal, it's just a job. I'm not the first nor will I be the last. I had to reexamine the bigger Life questions I thought I'd already answered. Which sacrifices are worthwhile? What truly matters? My relationships also got clarified. Support came from unlikely sources, while expected sources of support were nonexistent.

My simple goal is to emerge in better shape than before.  Prove they made a mistake letting me go. That's my way of retribution, I guess. For certain, it's been a bigger challenge than I thought it would be. But I'm on my way. I started my own literary and business consulting LLC, write actively, and immersed myself in volunteer activities. I'm also traditionally employed, but my heart desires to return to the financial fray. I have a whole another career in me. What I don't have is a surrender flag. Stay tuned for Part IV.

Love Is All You Need

*This selection picks up a similar theme of a previous post, All You Need Is Love. It was originally written for a ghost-writing assignment but was rejected.*

Love Is All You Need

The Rolling Stones sang "you can't always get what you want, you get what you need." So what do you need? That's a good question. Ask yourself, "What do I need?" Chances are, if you're like most, you'd like plenty - those are your Wants. Needs? That's a shorter list. Food, shelter, health. If you're a company, the list might be a quality product, loyal customers, and sales.

The Beatles boiled it down even simpler. Remember? They sang "Love is all you need." Love. That's it. Interesting and true. Love matters. It's the thread running through it all. It binds us together...even substitutes for some of those things on the list sometimes. With Love, almost everything is better and almost everything is possible. Love is encompassing…transforming…inclusive…intangible…mysterious. Love is powerful.

Love can also be elusive. As an individual, you have to be vigilant in returning Love and also have the courage to unleash your own. As a company, it’s no different. Create a product your customers Love. Then nurture that by creating a culture of Love between everyone in the organization. That’s what makes it work long-term. Yes, Love is sometimes hard to find but the good news is it's free and there is an abundance within you. You just have to share it. And then things get beautiful because Love grows Love. Lives get enriched, companies prosper.

Love is all you need. So spread some Love

© 2017 Michael P. O’Connor. All rights reserved.

18,262 Days...and Counting

Live life on purpose.  That's my new primary goal after recently reading Robert D. Smith's book, 20,000 Days and Counting.  I've even decided to mimic his approach on mapping out just what that statement means.  To that end, I'm sequestered in my home, alone for the next 48 hours, to reflect on my fortunate circumstances, celebrate them fully, and realize how I got here...and where I'm headed. 

Time is the one constant.  It ticks on steadily no matter what.  Not to sound morbid, but the reality is that our time in this world is limited and fragile.  We always think there's more time to do whatever...and then it's passed so quickly, or tragedy has stolen precious moments we took for granted lay ahead.  It's up to each of us to maximize the time allotted to us - living each moment as if it might be our last.

Maybe it's just my own version of a mid-life crisis.  Or perhaps it's the crystallization of what I already believe and practice.  Either way, it's past time to express appreciation to those that have had an impact on my existence and good fortune.  A fulfilling life is all about the quality of the relationships we build.  It's vitally important to nurture, value, and enjoy them.  Doing so enables you to get to where you're trying to go.

I recently wrote about being A Man On Fire.  The urgency and passion encompassed in that, dovetails nicely with living life on purpose and being more cognizant of the people we touch and who touch us.  Every day, every minute counts.  Before I resume chasing after what's ahead, I'll pause to acknowledge and thank those in my life that have been so instrumental in helping me become who I am  right now.  So, thank YOU! 

In less than 3 hours, I'll turn 50 years old.  That's 18,262 days...and counting.

Courage of My Conviction

Conviction. This is one of the most important attributes I look for in gauging a person’s character.  It's something I honed when I ran for political office several years ago. Let’s face it, there are plenty of “great guys” that still have trouble finding their backbone when the sledding gets a little tough. A fantastic notion is immediately compromised in the absence of conviction. In the presence of conviction, even a fledgling idea can become fantastic. Conviction is powerful – it is transformative. Unfortunately, it can be as equally fragile and vulnerable. Not only do you have to know what you believe, you have to actually believe it. You have to believe it when the sun is shining and you have to believe it in the fiercest windstorm.

Having conviction doesn’t mean you necessarily have to be stubborn, inflexible, or uncompromising either. More accurately, it’s about being unwavering in principle. I often admire people I disagree with because I appreciate that they have the courage of their conviction.  In the end, words and actions have to be consistent.

All You Need Is Love

The Beatles said it best:  Love is all you need.  So many of their songs reflect the simplicity and grandeur of Love.  It always seemed like they knew something maybe the rest of us didn't.  I know I didn't.  I've always been a romantic and respected what I thought love was - but they were singing about Love.  Love, with a capital L, is bigger - encompassing...transforming...inclusive...intangible...mysterious.  It's hard for me to try to describe, like that scene near the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, when Dave says, "It's wonderful."

Love is undeniably the most powerful force on this planet.  When applied, the result is something positively special to behold.  I didn't always hold this view, but have come to understand the significant transformative quality of Love over a lifetime.  In today's world, where hate is often all too prevalent, it would be easy to be dismissive of such a notion.  In fact, most of my life, I was.  Not that I didn't value Love - I did.  I simply didn't appreciate it's true essence.

One experience that helped me understand was celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary.  That marital journey taught me love and Love.  I'm forever grateful to my exceptional wife for guiding me through those lessons.

At this point, I probably sound like some reincarnated flower child or modern-day liberal.  I assure you I'm neither.  Yet, Love astounds me.  I attribute the point at which I've arrived to simply living enough years.  Once you see enough hate, injustice, and death, solutions become easier to recognize and accept, and obstacles easier to identify and overcome.  As an individual, I'm finally a believer in Love.  I hope as a society, we can all be.

Simplify

I constantly remind myself to simplify.  As each new year begins, I try to eliminate as many life demands as I'm able that are not absolutely essential.  It's my personal way of rejuvenating and refreshing my energy. 

For instance, I can't quit my primary job but I can (and did) idle my real estate concern.  I also took a month break from my creative passions.  I usually opt to eliminate all elective responsibilities for a short period and return to a state of bare essentials.  I know that the demands and interests will quickly build again, so my approach serves as a hard-wired circuit breaker to ensure I don't overwhelm myself (or provides fail-safe relief for an already overwhelmed state.)

I've been using this approach for the past several years and it has served me well so far.  Occasionally, I've even employed similar 2 week stretches during the year where I essentially "go off the grid."  The approach dovetails nicely with my Take Time To Relax philosophy.  I take it seriously.  Two sides of the same coin - Simplify on one side allows me to Relax on the other.  It's really the development of a habit that maintains my sanity in a crazy world that never seems to slow down and is always connected.  It's my Thoreau-inspired modern day Into The Woods...without having to actually live in the woods!

My Axioms

Along with the Cornerstones, I use the following self-developed Axioms to guide my behaviour.  You might recognize a few of them from earlier posts.

1.  Be Yourself
2.  Never Say No To Yourself
3.  Trust Your Instincts
4.  Choose Your Reaction
5.  I'm Not Beholden
6.  No Excuses
7.  Simplify
8.  Take Time To Relax
9.  There Is Always Hope

Always keep in mind that there are no magic solutions for living life.  Success and/or happiness is measured differently by each of us, so do yourself a favor by not comparing yours against somebody else's.

Loyalty: Cornerstone #7

Loyalty is a vanishing commodity in today's world but it's importance cannot be overstated.  While corporations shed employees at will or employees jump ship at the first appealing opportunity, loyalty has become increasingly elusive.  Loyalty is for the good times, the bad times, and for those times where staying loyal seems to be at odds with your own best personal interests. 

There are no degrees of loyalty.  Whether it's fidelity in marriage, loyalty on the job, or the "I've got your back" mentality of friendship, loyalty is an all-in proposition. I'm a little guy, but in a fight you can count on me to have your back for whatever that counts for. I've spent 26 years on the same job through plenty of adversity that could've sent me looking for greener pastures but I didn't go.  I don't backstab and I often assume blame that belongs to others. After 25 years of marriage, I'm still happily married and my wife can count on me to remain loyal despite whatever temptation may come my way.

Loyalty must be an equally balanced equation.  Real loyalty is earned through the implicit understanding of that reciprocity.  People often expect loyalty but aren't prepared to give it. A betrayal of loyalty was actually the catalyst for my Grinder experience. I demonstrated my sense of loyalty by remaining loyal even after the betrayal.  That was an extremely tough course of action but it has turned out to be the right decision. 

Loyalty is my own code of ethics.  It helps maintain my dignity.  It helps maintain my integrity, reliability, dependability, and trustworthiness when life makes things murky.  Loyalty is what compels me to travel the more difficult road when an easier one is readily available. Loyalty is the glue that binds my Cornerstones together.

Patience: Cornerstone #6

Patience is probably one of life’s hardest and most important lessons. It's an important avenue to clarity.  Lack of patience undermines everything else you do.  To learn patience…well, you have to be patient.  It's the same Catch-22 as developing discipline. 

True patience is hard to attain because it competes against so many of your other emotions. Emotions that can unleash themselves in a hurry and without restraint if you’re not paying close attention. I adopted my axiom of Choose Your Reaction as a mechanism to help me be more patient. I tend to be highly opinionated and controlling. I've found out the hard way what a bad combination that is! My solution was to try to eliminate the emotional component in many of my responses.

Of all the Cornerstones, I struggle with Patience the most.  I simply don't have much... but I've chosen to be patient as I slowly learn to have more. 

Sacrifice: Cornerstone #5

Sacrifice is usually one of the hardest, though most important things you can do. It means putting someone else's needs before your own. I get my sense of sacrifice from my parents. Growing up during The Great Depression, they made sacrifices unfathomable to most of us living today. Those sacrifices continued in their desire to give the best opportunities to their children - no doubt an effort to best equip us to succeed and overcome hardship in our lives. My parents are now deceased but their example of sacrifice has been a vital component in my own approach to living life. I know I can do better though - like I said, sacrifice isn't always easy.
 
Of course, sacrifice extends beyond your own family. There is an equally important societal obligation. That aspect became clearer to me as I reached middle age. Basically, it's the old adage of "you reap what you sow." As a society we're in difficult times right now. It's important to find a way to contribute positively to the lives around us. It goes beyond just not being selfish - it means going that extra step. It might mean devoting time, money, or whatever to improving someone else's fortunes but certainly, it will involve personal sacrifice.  

Determination & Perseverance: Cornerstones #3 and #4

Determination.  Perseverance.  I decided to combine the discussion of these two Cornerstones because they go hand in hand and the differentiation between them might otherwise be misunderstood.  I often think of them as the same myself but they are actually distinct.  You can be determined and not persevere.  Similarly, you can persevere but not be determined.  Think about it a second...you can set a goal or believe in an outcome (process of determination) but then never do anything towards achieving it or give up after trying (lack of perseverance) , or conversely, you can continue heroically through numerous failures (process of perseverance) with no real understanding of the goal you're after or even believing you can achieve the goal to begin with (lack of determination.)

I wrote in a previous post, "doing begins by believing."  Determination is "believing" and Perseverance is "doing."  That's the easiest way I know of keeping the principles straight in my head.  The obvious power of these principles is in their combination.

Faith: Cornerstone #2

No matter how determined and focused, everyone falters occasionally.  That's where the importance of Faith comes in.  It doesn't really matter what your particular faith is - only that it is strong enough to rely on when doubt sets in and robs you of necessary confidence to persevere.  Sometimes, hope and trusting in something beyond yourself is all you'll have left.  If Discipline is for what you can control, Faith is for all that you can't.

Discipline: Cornerstone #1

Discipline is the cornerstone of the Cornerstones.  Important in its own right, it is an essential component to the effectiveness of my other Cornerstones.  I believe it is the foundation of success.  For me, nearly everything comes back to proper discipline.

Developing and establishing your own personal discipline is tricky, however, because to do so requires discipline.  It probably will be difficult at first (which should be expected) but if you can commit to stick with developing a habit of discipline, it will be the habit that defines all your other habits.

I discovered my own principle of discipline while studying martial arts.  Without consciously knowing it, I began to apply the same type of discipline to other life pursuits.  The benefits surprised me and when I realized what I had unconsciously applied, I quickly adopted Discipline as the key to achievement.  But for it to work, you must be unwavering.  Remember when I mentioned not going all the way to the bottom of the barrel before getting a grip?  Some call it willpower, but even willpower needs discipline.  That's my sense of discipline.  For instance, I woke up one day and decided to quit smoking.  No aids, no delays, no wishy-washy attempts - just purpose.  I took the same exact approach to drinking.  I just stopped completely - no gradual degrees of drinking less.  Singular purpose and commitment.  That's the habit of Discipline.

Discipline is a habit like any other.  Ingrained, it can be a powerful determinant of your other habits.  Unpracticed or neglected, it's effectiveness wanes.  To help maintain mine, my mantra is, "No Excuses...ever."  Devise an action plan and follow it until the goal is achieved.  You must want to achieve the goal.  You must remind yourself you have a plan to follow.  No excuses.  Singular purpose.  Discipline.

Write 'Em Down

It's that time of the year again.  Resolution review.  As I get ready to set new goals and make new resolutions for the upcoming year, it's important for me to examine how I fared on last year's aspirations.  Like many other people, I almost always fail miserably on at least one goal or resolution I set for myself.  For instance, this year I was supposed to re-learn playing guitar.  With just 8 days left in the year, the guitar remains standing untouched in the corner.  I suppose that goal will be added to this year's list again.

This year's list.  Yes, it's an actual written list, as it has been for the past 25 years.  It's proven that writing down your goals is vitally important to actually achieving them.  So, whatever it is you're contemplating to accomplish next year, write 'em down!  Periodic review throughout the year is recommended to ensure steady progress, measure results, and adjust objectives if necessary.

I try to keep my list as simple and specific as possible.  I actually strive for a few specific personality improvements and then a handful of personally meaningful, challenging but achievable goals I wish to reach.  If I succeed at one of them, I can cross it off and add something new.  If I fail, like with the guitar, I can carry it forward or decide it's no longer a priority and take it off the list.  In other words, keep your list manageable.  If you put everything on your list all at once, you'll undoubtedly feel overwhelmed and struggle harder to achieve anything - often leading to complete surrender.  How many people do you know who fail in their resolutions year after year?  Find success - write 'em down, be reasonable and specific in your expectations, and include easily achievable goals to help build confidence for the more challenging goals.

To enjoy success and stay actively focused on your goals involves one essential element.  Discipline.  That's my first and most important Cornerstone.  Stay tuned - I'll begin discussing each cornerstone in more depth as the week progresses.  For now, start thinking about your list of objectives and write 'em down!

Merry Christmas!

Never* Say No to Yourself

Never* say no to yourself.  This has become another personal axiom, adopted from a good friend of mine who taught it to me.  On the surface, it may seem selfish or arrogant, so let me explain exactly what it means, and just as importantly, what it doesn't.  (See author's cautionary footnote.)

Have you ever desired something that required action by someone else but then assumed they would say no, so you didn't even ask?  (ie: you'd like a raise, need a ride, or some other minor favor.) Instead by not asking, you essentially said no to yourself - probably out of fear of rejection or embarrassment, or a lack of confidence.  If you think about it though, getting a 'no' leaves you no worse off than if you hadn't asked.  The potential benefits of being surprised by a 'yes,' however, are enormous.  I adopted the "Never Say No to Yourself" philosophy 100% after my friend convinced me to ask for something I was 100% convinced would be denied.  Not only was I wrong, but they were delighted to accommodate my request.  I was pleasantly stunned - and became an enthusiastic practitioner ever since.  Of course, the answer sometimes comes back 'no' too.  Don't sweat it.  You're no worse off for having asked.

One last point - this axiom is not intended to be taken in a context of "do whatever you want" or "deny yourself nothing."  There are numerous instances when saying no to yourself is absolutely required and appropriate.  (You know exactly what I mean!)

I urge you to conquer your fear.  There are plenty of people who will say no to you.  Don't say it to yourself.  Simply ask.  See what happens.  You might, like me, be pleasantly surprised at the results!


*  Author's Note:  Never does not mean Never.  Apply axiom responsibly and as intended or suffer irreparable consequences of your own making.

Unqualified Sharing

Someone asked me recently, "what qualifies you to give life advice?"  Good question.  I'm not qualified.  I'm unqualified.  I'm also not giving advice.  I'm sharing my experiences and the lessons they've taught me.  You decide if there's something of value to apply to your own life.

The Reason 87 is really a vehicle for my own personal growth - sort of like a journal - that I've chosen to share.  I share my creative writing on The Twilight Blue.  I share thoughts on other topics on
3 More Monkeys.  Writing helps me think better, helps me work out my troubles, and helps remind me of the lessons I've learned along the way.

The Reason 87 isn't intended as "advice."  Think of it more as an invitation into my head.  If something resonates with you, benefit from it.  If it doesn't resonate, ignore it.  It's entirely your choice.  So, no advice - just unqualified sharing.

Second Chances

Second chances.  Have you gotten one lately?  We all secretly wish for them, don't we?  And occasionally, they do arrive.  But have you been busy preparing for your second chance in the interim?  If not, you'll likely repeat your mistakes rather than overcome them.  Be vigilant in your preparation because as you'll see from my experience, the years might pile up in between first.

Second chances in life can be few and far between.  When you get one, it's a unique opportunity for a new choice or behavior - different than the first chance where the choices made turned out to be missteps.  Meaningful second chance opportunities don't come around often.  By meaningful, I mean those few important times in your life that you'd like to have back again - to act differently - to choose differently.  Most often, we take the lessons learned from those original instances and apply them in other similar instances going forward but rarely, if ever, do we get a second chance at the exact instance.  Lately, my own life has experienced a series of meaningful second chances that completely took me by surprise.

As I've mentioned before, I don't live in the past.  I live quite contentedly in the present, totally at peace with my past missteps.  Some of those missteps were pivotal in my personal development despite the pain caused or endured.  Like many other people, I've bungled a few critical moments in life.  Some lessons I've learned, others I'm still learning, and undoubtedly, there are some I'm probably destined to never learn.  Such is life.  We do the best we can.  The key is to remain a willing pupil throughout.

Strangely, the second chances I was presented with were several decades old.  I accepted and resolved my particular missteps in those situations a long time ago.  I had no desire for an exact second chance on either front.  Getting an exact second chance is a scary test of if you've really learned anything.  If you fail it, it's a case of 1 step forward and 2 steps back.  Not fun.  In my own case, two second chances arrived nearly simultaneously, and my initial reaction was to avoid taking either test.  I quickly realized, however, that's a case of 1 step forward, 1 step back.  Stuck, not going anywhere.  I equated that with failure because actually taking the test offered a chance to progress.  My advice is to embrace the second chance for better or worse.

The first of my second chances was my 30 year high school reunion, that I initially sought to avoid.  I'm glad I didn't - 2 steps forward.  The other second chance, an exact carbon copy, was professional and dealt with matters over a decade old.  I'm confidently determined to make different choices because I faced my original failure and resolved it long ago, never expecting or desiring the second chance thrust upon me.  But I'm increasingly thankful about getting it nonetheless.  I suppose I'm about to find out if I've really learned anything.

My point today is that you never know when or in what form that second chance opportunity might occur in your life.  The two personal instances I shared stacked several decades in between first.  Probably a fortunate thing for me, because I'm fairly sure I'd fail the test if they had come sooner in my life.  I didn't realize it explicitly until afterwards, but I've been preparing for those second chance tests for several years, applying and re-learning the lessons of ill-fated choices and behaviors through the 7 Cornerstone principles of Discipline, Faith, Determination, Perseverance, Sacrifice, Patience, and Loyalty.  There is no secret formula for living - only useful guides for the grueling process of improving - so you can be better prepared for your second chances.

Past, Present, Future

I revisited my past this weekend when I attended my 30 year high school reunion.  If you read my last post, you know I was apprehensive about doing so, but it was something I felt compelled to do despite my misgivings.  The compulsion I felt was similar to when I ran for political office.  It was just something I needed to do for reasons I couldn't entirely explain even to myself.

I don't believe in examining the past unless it's simply to remind myself of a lesson already learned.  I'm not interested in dwelling on consequences of mistaken choices or actions that can't be undone.  It's pointless.  I find it's better to take the emotion out of the equation, learn the lesson, and then try to apply it going forward.  I try not to think about the future too much either.  If you let your thoughts get too far ahead of yourself, you'll develop an unhealthy habit of worry.

The solution is to live in the present.  Easier said than done, but very rewarding if you can pull it off with any consistency.  I entered the reunion hall unsure of what to expect but was determined to embrace the experience for better or worse.  No matter what, I wasn't going back to the past or who I was in high school.  I was going to be fully engaged in the present and be who I had become.  I gave zero thought to the future and what I might feel like if it went poorly.  In I went, still not knowing why I needed to be there.

When it was all over, I still wasn't entirely sure what I had accomplished but I knew I had had fun and enjoyed myself from beginning to end.  I never once went back to high school that night.  Whatever irrational remnant of high school memory that had subconsciously haunted me, had been erased.  I resolved something I still can't even identify.  Interestingly, one of my old friends remarked to me "you are always exactly where you're supposed to be" while we discussed our own personal ups and downs.  Though I had heard the phrase many times before, it took on greater clarity in that moment because I was exactly where I was supposed to be.  I was in the present - enjoying every minute of it.  In a million years, I would never have imagined a moment like that would ever occur at a high school reunion.

30 Years On: Reunion & Relationships

I have done the unimaginable.  I purchased a ticket to my 30 year high school reunion.  The only plausible explanation for that is I'm now a pod, as in the movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

What gives?  I managed to avoid all the previous gatherings without so much as a second thought.  I don't particularly have fond memories of high school or any affinity for the vast majority of my classmates.  When graduation arrived, I never once looked back, choosing to keep in touch with only 1 true friend.  And yet, I've made a non-refundable hotel reservation.

As a result, I've been examining my motivation to attend in light of my past tendency to avoid.  I think it has something to do with relationships, an area in which I've always struggled.  Relationships are critical to the quality of a life.  Strong, healthy ones enrich your own experience.  They broaden your perspectives, magnify your achievements, and soften your disappointments.  They are symbiotic, providing as much as taking.  They are our tether to this world and that which makes life worthwhile.

During high school, I was shy and introverted.  I had difficulty being outgoing enough to forge strong relationships.  I wasn't unhappy - just afraid, I think.  Plus, building relationships simply wasn't important to me.  The foundation for all of that certainly was rooted in irrational fear - of rejection, of awkwardness, of ridicule.  I wasn't taking enough chances and that pattern didn't change much over subsequent years until relatively recently when I had an epiphany.  Relationships matter.

That was a tough revelation for me.  Once it clicked, I realized how few meaningful relationships I had formed.  It became important to me to rectify that.  Oddly enough, I've been with my wife, Ann for nearly 28 years so I had an excellent relationship building model to refer to.

I made a conscious decision to find ways to push beyond the comfort zone I had created.  I accidently became a community activist (read that long tale on The Rotterdam Windmill), ran for political office, and became a Realtor in my spare time.  All of these activities forced me to actively engage people.  It was scary but through it all, I solidified one of my personal mantras. "I'm not worried by what others think of me."  Essentially, I learned to like myself.  Sounds corny, I know, but I know who I am now and I'm comfortable with it.  Of course, I managed to form some valuable, lasting relationships along the way.

Today, I still have fewer strong bonds than I'd prefer but I'm constantly reminding myself to take the risks necessary to build new relationships (or renew forgotten ones) and strengthen the already existing ones.  I try to embrace the sometimes uncomfortable opportunities to do that now rather than run from them...which is why I think I have a ticket and hotel reservation.

Death As Part of Life

There’s no getting around it. You live. Eventually, you die. Dwelling on the reality of your own eventual death is not something I recommend, but putting that reality into perspective is essential to living your life more fully. Many people understandably seek to avoid thinking about their own mortality. The prospect of death upsets people. I get that. But I am of the mind that acknowledging and confronting your own mortality, and death in general, is healthy.

Our time here is finite. If you can conquer your fear of death, the time you have, no matter how long or short, becomes that much more meaningful and precious. Achieving happiness today becomes easier. What’s truly important takes on greater clarity. Too often, I think, we don’t realize these truths until death robs us of the opportunity altogether or we are in our waning years. I won’t pretend to tell you how to put death in perspective. I understand it’s different for each of us. For me, Faith (one of my cornerstones) is a critical tool, but not the only one. Death is scary. Death can be cruel. Death is a part of life.

I think death is harder to deal with when it’s not your own. The impact from a loved one’s death can be traumatic and devastating. I know the sorrow of losing both my parents. I know the sorrow of losing friends. Every death leaves its own unique hole in your life. These holes can’t be filled in. They’re permanent. But I have found that if you look deep enough into the sadness, you can find joy too. It’s a paradox I can’t explain but if you’ve known death in your life, you may know what I’m talking about. The death of others around us may be the hardest part of life, and the underlying cause of the desire to avoid thinking about our own mortality. Personally, I forced myself early to deal with death head-on to ensure the grief didn’t consume me. It was among the best actions I’ve ever taken.

The late Steve Jobs, before he got sick, had this to say about death,

 

"Death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life’s change agent. The benefit of death is you know not to waste life living someone else’s choices."

That’s insightful, I think. It’s an attitude worth assimilating into our lives, if possible. Live life. Live it fully.

 I apologize if this post seems unfocused or rambling but I’m prompted to explore this topic today as much to remind myself of the fragility of life, and to motivate myself and you to appreciate every moment of it completely, as to search for that joy hidden somewhere in the sadness. Tragically, the unique and painful hole of losing a child was imposed on the life of a friend of mine yesterday. As a consequence, my paradigm of coping with death is being tested fiercely.